Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
one last job
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.