surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
No way!
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.