Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

British people be like I’m Bri ish

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.