Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN: