Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.