therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
don’t we all
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.