THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.