Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?