Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

why I oughta

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

It do be feeling this way.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?