Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
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Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?