Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work