Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

I support this random dude and all his protests

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?