Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain