THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
You Might Also Like
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.