THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
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Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.