therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.