Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Unexpected Judgment

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless