Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.