Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“What movie?” 🤔
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
I think this might be relevant today.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue