Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

thanksgiving in nutshell

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!