Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
That’s classic.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*