@Elizasoul80
@MarlonBrandNO Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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@MarlonBrandNO 
@meganamram I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
@SondraDeeMe Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
@wittwitbarista See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
@SortaBad *Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
@AndyAsAdjective flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
@kimtopher22 My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
@Tmoney68 Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
@_youhadonejob1 Someone waited their whole career to write that headline.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.