@Elizasoul80

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

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@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@meganamram

I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food

@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

@wittwitbarista

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@AndyAsAdjective

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

@kimtopher22

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.