Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
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I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
Perfect one night stand:
No internet access.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
Someone waited their whole career to write that headline.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.