Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”