Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.