Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
5 ways to appear taller
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The Assassin.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts