Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Best seat on the street 😍
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday