Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
🤣
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever