Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*