Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
💁🏻♂️
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
This came to me in a dream.
