Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?