Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me