Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

Spring cleaning checklist…