Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.