Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.