Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids