Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When he asks for feet pics
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
