Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

#parenting

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Google assistant rules

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.