Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness