Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.