Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.