Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

wait a minute….

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.