Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

ㅤ

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..