Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.