Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

IT’S-A ME,

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

I stand by it

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.