Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon