Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
We found love in a hopeless place.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Tapped in
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right