Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

accurate

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged