Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

If only.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

that’s really how it is

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.