Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
God tier horse name today on the sims
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
my first dose meeting my second
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does