therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
You Might Also Like
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.