Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

This was a bad idea all around

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

lmfao come on

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”