therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.