Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.