Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.