THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
You had me at “define legal”.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Google Pay be like:
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT