Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions