Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card