Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”