Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
good for her
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I have so many questions.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*