Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
You Might Also Like
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.