Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”