Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Nice try, poison.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
sin harder.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes