Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
