Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You Might Also Like
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Match dot com, but for socks.