Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.