Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.