Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.