therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?