Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
