Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

I love twitter

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can