Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

yikes

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

“Wait, let me explain..”

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?