Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
You wish you had this many chins.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!