Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
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technically true but not a great slogan
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.