Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.