THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Um … Hot Wings please
🔦🌙👣
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You deplete me