Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Oh the world we live in…
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.